Going From One War into Another

The below writings are based on my own experience from my own view.  I speak for myself and acknowledge that it may not be met with approval by some. I am putting it out there in hopes to help anyone that may have had anything remotely similar.  Names are not added to protect those involved.  It will not help my cause to throw anyone under the proverbial bus.

Fall; a time of transition

 

I can admit it, my title was a bit dramatic, but it was how I felt.  In my last article I mentioned what it was like leaving my son behind to go into unknown territory.  No one had any real idea what the war in Iraq would be like.  If they say they do…. Well, it may be under some scrutiny.  While I was there we lost a Soldier, had some serious logistics issues, health struggles and injuries, very little communication with the outside world, questionable sanitation etc.  In addition to all that, due to poor choices on my part combined with being lulled to sleep at night by mortars that seemed to hit a bit too close for comfort at times, (take a deep breath...)when I came home I was a bit of a mess.  

Exhausted, there was so much to process and when I came home from Iraq my family who had my son never considered I would need a transitional time with my little boy who demanded so much of me.  In spite of how much I missed him it was hard to think, “now what”?  I have no job, a little money in the bank, and I am terrified.  My little boy relied on me so much and when I left he was just a baby and when I came home he had become a little boy who wanted to spend every moment with me.  Problem was, I had no energy for him and didn’t know what to do with myself.  It was hard for me to hear fire alarms, drive under bridges, not swerve when I saw trash on the road, and crowds made me sick.  Don’t get me started on what loud noises did because I have a really funny story about that, but not today.  

We came home in February of 2004 and by April I felt something was wrong.  To me it seemed odd that my son’s care giver had him call her “mommy (name)” This bothered me but I let it go.  I also noticed that she seemed very insistent that I had a problem.  Well, I did and it is called PTSD.  Not being able to relax for 12-15 months will do that to you.  To say I wasn’t working on it is a flat out lie.  I did shut myself off from my friends a bit, and grieved for all of my losses to include loss of time with my son, my dead marriage, as well as many other losses too numerous and obscure to try and explain.  

Working in the civilian world at that point was not (nor is it now) very appealing to me and I had the opportunity to work with the Army on active duty orders for a while to complete a mission. This opportunity was in Ft. Lewis, WA and I lived near Portland, OR.   A friend of mine gave me the name of a woman that may appreciate the work of caring for my son as much as I would appreciate the help.  This woman did take on the harsh task of caring for my son who had some deep anger and abandonment issues by this time and was brilliant at it.  

As the year went on the gap between my family and I became deeper.  November of 2004 I was invited to go to a Department of the Army, Army Family Action Planning (DA AFAP) conference.  They said they would pay for child care and my trip to offer my opinion about how to best help Army Families.   While I was in Washington D.C. a friend was concerned for my welfare so they contacted my family to see how I was.  At this time my family acquired the phone number of where my son was and the drama unfolded.  My sister stated to my son's caregiver she was concerned for his welfare.   He was ripped from her and I was very volatile and unpredictable.  She told this woman who was my most trusted friend at this time what a horrid and unconscionable person I was.  Phrases like “willful abandonment” and “borderline sociopath” may have been thrown around.  This caused many issues for me and made life more difficult.  I still had to work and my friend agreed to keep helping me, but it did force her to question who I really am.  In the end I realized that family for me is who you choose, not what you are born into.   The reality of how serious my sister was hit me when I received a call from my divorce lawyer asking why she wanted a copy of her non-parental custody.  This non-parental custody was cancelled the moment I received my orders for the end of the tour.   She wanted my son and had no qualms telling people that, but it was for his own good...right?

In the end I went into the wonderful program I am in now that moves us around the country and we still limit contact with my family; Contact that has dwindled steadily since 2004.  I am still friends with the two women who were there for me. Never will I be able to convince my family I was the one being treated unfairly in this insane drama I wanted no part of and it is not my job to do so.  To be fair it is less likely since to admit I was right would admit their own fault.  This experience had heightened my PTSD issues and made them more complex.  It is my hope that in sharing this story to anyone who has had similar issues can know that even though  you have been labeled horribly by those who are supposed to know you best that doesn’t make them right.  In the end I have learned to forgive those who have hurt me for my own gain as anger may serve me the bitterness tears me down.  This scenario is one of many I am sure that have happened across the country as Veterans who are parents have been coming home for the past decade plus.   

The healing of my fellow veterans and their families is very important to me.  As I move forward with this I will explain more in depth how I moved through all of these things.  This story has taken me a long time to write and brought up so many painful things it was hard to muscle through them all.  The deepest scars are not always seen.  The most painful scars are rarely inflicted on us by enemies but by those we loved and trusted.  Please see below for a link that gives many resources for Veterans to receive help. 

Have you had trouble transitioning?  Do you know of any additional ways to help?  What are your struggles?  Are they hard to talk about?  If you have any questions please feel free to ask.  I will try to be as candid as possible.  This will be pointless without the conversation.

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/web-resources/web-military-resources.asp

What Century is this Anyway?

Once again I wish to mention this is my own research, thoughts and opinions.  This does not represent the thoughts or opinions of the United States Army or the Armed Forces.  I am proud of my Country and this great progressive military that has allowed me to serve.  These are my own bumps and bruises on the road and have NOTHING to do with CURRENT Army policy and reflect only on those mentioned.  I will also not use any real names unless given specific permission because it’s rude.

      Saying Goodbye as advance party for my 2nd deployment in 2007.                                    

"I long to hear that you have declared an independency. And, by the way, in the new code of laws which I suppose it will be necessary for you to make, I desire you would remember the ladies and be more generous and favorable to them than your ancestors.
        "Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the husbands.
        "Remember, all men would be tyrants if they could. If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies, we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice or representation.” –Abigail Adams to her Husband John

 It seems I have so many modern conveniences and yet I am often found in the company of those who mentally live before Roe v. Wade, Einstadt V. Baird, Griswold V. Connecticut and way before women’s suffrage.*  Now the quote above was from Abigail Adams to John Adams.**  Abigail was an amazing and strong woman who spoke her mind and her husband adored her for it.  So it seems did his colleagues in the Continental Congress.  I can hear you now… “What????”  She is definitely someone to research if you are interested in women's history or even the history of our country since she was the woman beside John Adams.

Now that we have discussed women’s history a bit, I would like to bring you back to women’s military history as I know it.  When the WAC was initiated women were considered not equal to men.  In spite of how much they brought to the fight: skills, intelligence, drive, perspective, and so on, they were still not allowed to go past Lieutenant Colonel unless they were appointed Director of Women and then they were allowed to go as high as Colonel.  So close to a General’s star it was almost devastating to some I imagine.  During that time women could not have children while serving in the military and unless she proved she was the primary “bringer of the bacon” she would not be granted regular compensations such as Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH). I won’t lie, I felt like I just chewed up an aspirin to swallow when I read that.  

Here comes the sticky part.  Women were not exactly welcomed with open arms by many of our counterparts in 1978 up until even now.  Things are better and the Armed Services as a whole are cracking down on it, but sexual harassment and discrimination are still there.  Aside from the childish jokes that often occur in such a stressful environment there is a real problem with discrimination and harassment against women.  Education is the only way to solve this problem.  You may wonder why this is pertinent; because if you are not only a woman but a mother too you are hit even harder with the discrimination.  When I first joined in 1997 it was rough.   I believe the words "you all ruin everything" come to mind... At some point I did gain the respect of many fellow Soldiers but it was too late and I was heading out the door to be with my then husband. 

In 2002 after my awkward marital separation where I left Kansas and returned to Oregon to be with my family I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.  I worked for a temp-to-hire agency and went from being a stay-at-home mom for two years to being a mom who worked 40 hours a week, traveled 15 hours a week to and from work, went to school on-line, and had about $100 left at the end of the week to play with only because I lived with my brother who so graciously allowed me houseroom.  Funny how little money you have when you pay for gas, car, insurance, childcare, a cheap cell phone, and a consolidated credit debt that included your estranged husband’s debt.  To top it all off I missed the Army but knew that as a mom without a spouse it would be difficult.  I was already in the inactive ready reserves, which is sort of a voluntary draft program that one goes into to fulfill their mandatory eight year obligation, so I found a recruiter and next thing I knew I had orders to join an Engineer Company out of Portland Oregon in July of 2002.  Only two months after I left my husband I was a mother serving her country. 

  I knew my company was mobilizing by September of that year and looking at my son hurt.  It physically hurt to see his sweet little face and yell “mommy!”, when I would come home from training.  It hurt knowing that my life would be forever changed and praying it wouldn’t be detrimental to my son.  Before I knew it I left my temp-to-hire job and was in the middle of a custody battle with my then husband.  I had to pack up and put faith in my family to care for him.  I did a family care plan*** and a legal non-parental custody set up for my sister.  To make this all worse many failed to realize I wouldn’t just hang out in Kuwait or Germany while the men went up to work**** in Iraq so I felt a little insulted. Certain members of my family tried to convince me to use my son to get out of my duties.  They would say things like, "When he (my son) grows up he will never trust women because you abandoned him".  I said I can’t, it would not be right.  I made a commitment, and I still remembered vividly seeing the second plane go through the towers live from the news on September 11, 2001.  I had to go, and I believed that while it may be hard on my son it would teach him so much about honoring your commitments and the importance of patriotism and fulfilling our civic duty.  By January of 2003 my company was mobilized, and heading for our pre-mobilization training then to Kuwait to wait for the invasion.

I believe that before I go forward it is really important to know how I started and how I ended up here.  Hopefully anyone who reads this can relate to at least a small part of what this has meant for my life to make these decisions and feel they are in good company when they have had to make their difficult choices.  I was a Specialist then, that’s an E-4 or basically a glorified private; I have come so far and have so much to tell.  When I run out of things to say I hope to give voice to other women who have done the same. 

 So you aren’t left confused, why did I bring up those Supreme Court Rulings?  Those Court Rulings are about allowing women freedom to make our own choices.  No one has to like them or agree with them, but you cannot have a free country where half of the country are repressed or subjected to the will of others.  Abigail Adams was correct; don’t forget about the ladies, we are strong and able whether we serve our country by being in the Armed Forces, at a corporate desk, behind a counter or at home with our families.    It is all serving our country when we educate those around us by being ourselves and doing our part to make the world a better and more hospitable place.  Education by way of experience and exposure is what will drive home the message that we are here to stay and no amount of bullying by those few who still fight our presence in the Armed Forces is going to keep us down for long. 

On a final note, I do not, nor will I ever believe that we will replace men.  As I told my husband the other night after seeing a political figure make comments of how horrible feminists are, (what about women who just believe in HUMAN rights?) I don’t want him to be less of a man to feel better about myself.  It is much better if he is "more" of a man challenging me to be "more" of a woman. 

Please feel free to leave any questions or comments.  Let's make this a conversation! 

*Women’s Suffrage was the movement that ended in women being granted the right to vote by the 19^th Amendment to the constitution. (1920) Griswold V. Connecticut is the Supreme Court case that ended in deciding we should have access to birth control.  (1965) Einstadt V. Baird is the Supreme Court Case where it was found that single and married people should have equal rights and access to birth control if they wish to have it. (1972) Roe V. Wade is the Supreme Court case that determined a woman’s decision to an abortion is between her and her doctor. (1973)    Griswold V. Connecticut is the Supreme Court case that ended in deciding we should have access to birth control.  (1965) 

** First Vice President of the United States and second President

***proving I had provided for my son in my absence which is required by Army Regulation 600-20 and I have recently been told I am required to have one even though I'm married... odd my male friends with spouses and children are not asked for this...Just putting that out there!

****  I won’t say fight because essentially I dug holes, I did not fight.  I won’t insult my girlfriends who have had to fire their weapons by claiming to be one of them.

 

As always I encourage you to research it for a greater depth of understanding and check out my resources!  Knowledge is power.

http://www.thelizlibrary.org/suffrage/abigail.htm

http://dpsinfo.com/women/history/timeline.html

http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/intro/enlist.htm

When did they let girls in the Army?

Shall I open with a cute and funny story?  I am going to pretend I heard you say yes and share with you this one from picking my son up from day care while in uniform.  This was in 2005:

Little Boy 1: “Is that lady in the Army?”  

Little Boy 2: “No… girls aren’t allowed, that is for boys only.”

Me:  Actually sweetie, not only am I in the Army, they let me play with big toy trucks that dig holes, jump out of planes, aaand I went to Iraq with other “girls” and boys.  

Little Boy 2: Did they let you carry a gun?

This left me speechless so I just laughed at that question smiled, shook my head, and told the boys to have a nice day. 

Cutting a Tree for Christmas in Iraq 2003

I told that little story to tell you this;  Women are not new to the Armed Forces but I won’t bore you with a long history.  Instead I will give a quick snippet of how we were allowed to serve today.  I know this may come as a shock, but women served in the Revolutionary War.  That’s right women patriots existed from day one!  Women acted as spies and even opted to defend the Nashua River Bridge with muskets and pitchforks.  We shall fast forward to the Civil War and skipping some other conflicts, about 400 women are known to have dressed as men to fight.  Even more women acted as nurses and cooks for their respective sides.  

In WWI women were called upon for help again, they needed men to go into the front lines and women could work in administration and as phone operators but were not considered service-members.    World War II gave us the Women’s Army Auxiliary Corps where women served but not as members of the military.  This was an agency separate from the military and by the end of WWII it was the Women’s Army Corps or WAC.   Women were officially allowed to serve with caveats.  They couldn’t hold a rank higher than Lieutenant Colonel unless they were appointed director of women then they could be a Colonel, but never make General.  (this information was found in my  Army Equal Opportunity Leader Course book)

The Vietnam War increased the role of women but they still had a separate Corps.  You must remember a show called M*A*S*H right?  Gee, the women seemed pretty close to the action…  At long last October of 1978 public Law 95-485 was lifted and the WAC was eliminated.  Women were finally integrated into the Army and in 1993 the combat exclusion law was eliminated.  So, to anyone who may ask, “Gosh, are women really capable or ready for combat?”  Ask one of my military sisters who acted as Combat Support Military Police while in theater or the female pilots who have risked their lives laying suppressive fire.  They could use the laugh…  (The historical information was found in my Army Equal Opportunity Leader Course book and some from the links below)

I learned to love numbers while I studied accounting and so here goes some figures for you.  Total percentage of women serving in Active Military is approximately 15% and the numbers are only slightly higher for the reserve components. Figure in that only one half of one percent, that would be .5% of Americans actually serve in the military. Question: What is 15% of .5%?  Answer: .075%.  That means that .075% of our populations of Americans are women serving in the Armed Forces.  To be fair I am including the Coast Guard which many don’t even realize we have, or what that is.  It is no wonder we are poorly represented, there are not a whole lot of us and since we are often too busy working and taking care of our families, going to school, and figuring out how to keep our sanity and sense of self, we don’t have a lot of time to tell the world who we are and what serving our country means to us or our families.  Our numbers are small, but we do exist, women who have served next to men for a long time, and in the current conflict we even act as team leaders, Commanders and everything in between.  

Why am I bringing this entire history up if I really want to talk about moms in the military?  This is our history, women’s history, not just those of us who raised our right hands swearing to defend against all enemies foreign and domestic.  This history has proved that we may be different but we are equal and I highly encourage you to research what I have put in here.  Google is your friend and please don’t just take my word for it. Women are allowed to serve because of two factors:  The first is that the decision makers knew the draft made war highly unpopular. The second is that they needed people, and women were eager and willing to prove themselves.  In a strange way it seems that women’s rights were pushed ahead by something as controversial as war.  So it just makes sense to ponder how something so wonderful can come out of such horrors.  It also bears to mind that this disproves the idea that women wanted equal rights but not equal burden in the world.  

Some Women to research: Lucy Brewer, Loreta Velasquez, Francis Elliott Davis, Melissa Stockwell and Ann E. Dunwoody, you won’t regret it….Or stay tuned, I may just write about them some day

All My References:

1. http://www.womensmemorial.org/H&C/History/historyeras.html

2. http://www.defense.gov/news/newsarticle.aspx?id=66253 

3. http://www.statisticbrain.com/demographics-of-active-duty-u-s-military/

4. http://www.statisticbrain.com/women-in-the-military-statistics/

5. http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history-archaeology/The-Women-Who-Fought-in-the-Civil-War.html

Introduction

 First of all I need to say this; The opinions and information posted here are not official or those of the United States Army.  I am a Soldier but speak for myself only.  I am very proud of my service and encourage participation, but be warned, if it is found to be offensive or disrespectful to the country, our elected officials or our armed forces it will not be posted.

My Mission is this: 
To give a voice to mom’s who serve in the United States Military and have deployed.  The intention is to break the stereotypes on mothers and women who serve in the Military.  To allow those who do not know the real story behind women in the military a chance to see the truth of whom we are and how we benefit the military. 
  

A  Short Bio:

I am currently a Staff Sergeant in the United States Army and work for a Brigade as their Human Resources NCO.  My first experience with the Army was from 1997-1998 as an active duty Soldier and I was assigned to the 82^nd Airborne Division, 307^th Engineers.  After spending a little time in the inactive reserves I became a full-fledged one-weekend-a-month-two-weeks-a-year reservist in 2002 through 2005.  Then, in March of 2005 I became a full time reservist in a program called the Active Guard and Reserves (AGR).  I went to Iraq as a General Construction equipment operator from 2003-2004 with a Unit that specialized in building bridges.  In 2007-2008 I deployed to Iraq again with a Military Police Unit as their Human Resources non-commissioned officer or NCO.    I have a twelve year old son and for eight years of my military career I was single mother struggling to prove my credibility as a Soldier.  It was frustrating enough trying to prove it to other Soldiers but I had to prove it to my own family and (some) friends.  

Leaving my son with family while being deployed was the hardest decision I ever made and I would be lying to say I never questioned it; however, on the whole, it brought me to where I am today.  My son and I have both struggled with all of the adjustments and that is why I want to share my experiences and knowledge with others.  It is my full intention to do research on mom’s who have served by conducting interviews with other women who serve, and speak with any expert that can give me insight into how much this new and growing population is changing how our Military is run.  There have been far too many opinions about women in the military by those who have no idea what it is like for us, or what we are really capable of.  These opinions are highly unflattering about my previous status as a single mom and current status as a married woman with a child, and I won’t forget our dual-military status moms. Most of these opinions are held without any basis in fact or personal experience and it is my goal to change that.