The below writings are based on my own experience from my own view. I speak for myself and acknowledge that it may not be met with approval by some. I am putting it out there in hopes to help anyone that may have had anything remotely similar. Names are not added to protect those involved. It will not help my cause to throw anyone under the proverbial bus.
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| Fall; a time of transition |
I can admit it, my title was a bit dramatic, but it was how
I felt. In my last article I mentioned
what it was like leaving my son behind to go into unknown territory. No one had any real idea what the war in Iraq
would be like. If they say they do….
Well, it may be under some scrutiny.
While I was there we lost a Soldier, had some serious logistics issues,
health struggles and injuries, very little communication with the outside world, questionable sanitation etc. In
addition to all that, due to poor choices on my part combined with being lulled to sleep at night
by mortars that seemed to hit a bit too close for comfort at times, (take a deep breath...)when I came
home I was a bit of a mess.
Exhausted, there was so much to process and when I came
home from Iraq my family who had my son never considered I would need a transitional time with my
little boy who demanded so much of me.
In spite of how much I missed him it was hard to think, “now what”? I have no job, a little money in the bank,
and I am terrified. My little boy relied
on me so much and when I left he was just a baby and when I came home he had become a little boy who wanted to spend every moment with me. Problem was, I had
no energy for him and didn’t know what to do with myself. It was hard for me to hear fire alarms, drive
under bridges, not swerve when I saw trash on the road, and crowds made me
sick. Don’t get me started on what loud
noises did because I have a really funny story about that, but not today.
We came home in February of 2004 and by April I felt something was
wrong. To me it seemed odd that my son’s
care giver had him call her “mommy (name)” This bothered me but I let it
go. I also noticed that she seemed very
insistent that I had a problem. Well, I
did and it is called PTSD. Not being
able to relax for 12-15 months will do that to you. To say I wasn’t working on it is a flat out
lie. I did shut myself off from my
friends a bit, and grieved for all of my losses to include loss of time with my
son, my dead marriage, as well as many other losses too numerous and obscure to try and explain.
Working in the civilian world at that point was not (nor is it now) very appealing to me
and I had the opportunity to work with the Army on active duty orders for a while to complete a mission. This opportunity
was in Ft. Lewis, WA and I lived near Portland, OR. A friend of mine gave me the name of a woman
that may appreciate the work of caring for my son as much as I would appreciate
the help. This woman did take on the harsh task of
caring for my son who had some deep anger and abandonment issues by this time
and was brilliant at it.
As the year went on the gap between my family and I became
deeper. November of 2004 I was invited
to go to a Department of the Army, Army Family Action Planning (DA AFAP)
conference. They said they would pay for
child care and my trip to offer my opinion about how to best help Army
Families. While I was in Washington D.C. a friend was concerned for my welfare so they contacted my family to see how I was. At this time my family acquired the phone number of where my son was and the drama unfolded. My sister stated to my son's caregiver she was
concerned for his welfare. He was ripped
from her and I was very volatile and unpredictable. She told this woman who was my most trusted
friend at this time what a horrid and unconscionable person I was. Phrases like “willful abandonment” and “borderline
sociopath” may have been thrown around. This
caused many issues for me and made life more difficult. I still had to work and my friend agreed
to keep helping me, but it did force her to question who I really am. In the end I realized that family for me is
who you choose, not what you are born into. The reality of how serious my sister was hit me
when I received a call from my divorce lawyer asking why she wanted a
copy of her non-parental custody. This non-parental custody was cancelled the moment I received my
orders for the end of the tour. She
wanted my son and had no qualms telling people that, but it was for his own good...right?
In the end I went into the wonderful program I am in now that moves us around the country and we
still limit contact with my family; Contact that has dwindled steadily since
2004. I am still friends with the two women who were there for me. Never will I be able to convince my family I was the one being treated unfairly in this insane drama I wanted no part of
and it is not my job to do so. To be fair it is less likely since to admit I was right would admit their own fault. This
experience had heightened my PTSD issues and made them more
complex. It is my hope that in sharing
this story to anyone who has had similar issues can know that even though you have been labeled horribly by those who
are supposed to know you best that doesn’t make them right. In the end I have learned to forgive those who
have hurt me for my own gain as anger may serve me the bitterness tears me
down. This scenario is one of many I am
sure that have happened across the country as Veterans who are parents have
been coming home for the past decade plus.
The healing of my fellow veterans and their families is very
important to me. As I move forward with this I will explain more in depth how I moved through all of these things. This story has taken me a long
time to write and brought up so many painful things it was hard to muscle
through them all. The deepest scars are
not always seen. The most painful scars
are rarely inflicted on us by enemies but by those we loved and trusted. Please see below for a link that gives many
resources for Veterans to receive help.
Have you had trouble transitioning? Do you know of any additional ways to
help? What are your struggles? Are they hard to talk about? If you have any questions please feel free to
ask. I will try to be as candid as possible. This will be pointless without the conversation.
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/web-resources/web-military-resources.asp
