About 4 1/2 years ago when I was still single and living on my own I had a huge scare. It was just my son and I living in Arizona. My family relationship was par for the course, I had no man in my life, and very few friends living near. This sense of alienation was made worse by the people I worked with. I was constantly informed of my many short comings no matter who was in charge of me and I felt set up for failure more often than necessary. To put this all together, I felt alone.
Feeling alone is the worst feeling. It didn't matter that people were around or that I was loved, I couldn't see it or feel it. I was constantly sick, and if you don't believe in a mind-body connection, you should pay more attention... It's more real than the ground we walk on. I couldn't sleep, and when I did I had vivid and scary dreams. The empty feeling I constantly felt left me exhausted and constantly on edge.
In 2009 I went in for my annual exam and my doctor felt something in my left breast that didn't seem right. I didn't want to tell anyone because honestly I didn't think they would care. I am certain the chronic stress from being a single mom, soldier and student combined with the lack of sleep made me less emotionally reasonable. What if it was legitimate? What if I was sick? Who would take care of my son if I died? Finally, who other than my son would miss me? As I write this it seems insane to me. Who cares if I would be missed? I would be dead, I wouldn't know the difference. Really, I just felt like I had a wasted life, and the one miraculous thing I did was have my son and he needed me. I didn't have the option to be sick.
I let myself just go numb, set up my appointment for my mammogram and waited. The day finally came, I went into the office, put on my little goofy half gown put my boob on that cold metal slab and passed out. No, she hadn't started the squishing process, I just felt the metal, then all of a sudden my heart started pounding, ears started to ring, I saw black spots in from of my eyes I felt sweat beading up on my face and I was out. I know, I went into Iraq, rode in soft sided vehicles with my weapon poking out for "protection" without freaking out and I passed out at the thought of having a lump that could be cancerous. It makes sense though, it's easier to cope with the danger when the enemy is defined, impersonal, and outside of me, not my own body turning against me.
In the end all was fine, it was just the way I'm made, but I shared this story for a reason. I have had some reminders lately that life is short (I know, it's the longest thing we ever do, but we are a blip on the radar of the world) and it is unpredictable. I know I am not the only Soldier who feels this way, and by "this way" I mean alone. We move from place to place leaving people we love behind wherever we go. Every time we move it is an adventure, but we never know how it will be. I have been treated very well at some places and horribly in others. No rhyme or reason to it. When you are AGR I don't believe we have the same benefits as active Soldiers as I remember. They have much stronger support systems set up, and there aren't any reservists who are all from the area you now just moved to. That means they often have a connection of friends and family we don't have. Translation: they have a life, we have what and who we bring.
I keep asking myself why am I wanting to write about my experience so badly? I need a community. I adore my husband, and my son, but they can't be my girlfriends. That would be weird and inappropriate. I also want other women in similar positions to know they aren't alone and I hope I can do that at least for one person.
We all struggle. I say this more for myself because I forget sometimes other people struggle. It's easy to forget that when you're scared of being alone and your life not mattering other people may feel the same way. Today I am fairly healthy, I haven't had a serious health scare for almost three years now (I used to be in the ER once every 3-6 months), and I'm happy. I do want to do more with my life though, because I want to make a difference no matter how small. Being in the Army is a job, a career for me, and one I chose for many reasons, but it doesn't make me feel like I am truly giving back to the people that support me directly by their work with Soldier programs, or indirectly by being tax-paying citizens.
Finally, I want to say this, having a wonderful and supporting husband is a huge help, but it was more than that to make me well again. I did a lot of internal work, I knew there were many things about my life that needed to change. I also learned that falling on my backside only bruised a little, it didn't ruin me. If I had not been willing to face down my own personal demons and work on myself I know for a fact I wouldn't have this wonderful and supporting husband. Other people cannot heal us, they can only support us when we are ready to heal ourselves.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Full Time Soldier Mom
I know I keep saying this but it is important...These experiences and
opinions are my own. Please don't assume it is always like this. I will not
give names as it serves no purpose, and I will try to be as accurate as
possible. The opinions and viewpoints are not those of the United States Army
or anyone but me. You may want to read some of my earlier writing for this to
make more sense. I tell my story because it isn't as uncommon as one would
think and I hope it may help someone else who struggles with his/her decision
to go into the military full time.
After I came home from Iraq in 2004 I had to figure out how to support my son on my own. I knew then that I couldn't rely on his father to provide enough and children are expensive, as any parent can attest. It was clear my family was not pleased with most of my decisions. I agree, some of them were dumb, but I am bright enough to know when I need to accept that I was wrong and push forward. With all that said, I needed a job and the Army came to mind once again.
By Early 2005 I had orders to go into the Active Guard and Reserves program. This was a HUGE blessing. At the time I was only a Specialist, which is an enlisted pay grade of E-4. Not a ton of money, but more than enough to pay my bills and support my son.
It turns out not having a partner proved to be a problem. When I came to my first assignment my Commander was terribly concerned about my ability to be a Soldier because I had a child. On normal days my son was in daycare or kindergarten. When I went on longer trips I found temporary long-term care. If I deployed my son would go back to Oregon. I even had a family care plan to say where my son would go if (when) I deploy again, complete with all the trimmings. My first counseling session was an hour long and included phrases as, "If you want out, I can get you out right now" and "Just think of me as a husband without the benefits." It is important to note I was not the only single parent. My friend also had his daughter with him and the Commander offered to have his wife help out. As for me, I was left to my own devices. At the time I thought nothing of it, now I realize how unfair that was. To say that finally my standing up for myself came at a price is to put it mildly.
That all happened in 2005, and when my unit was deploying in 2007 I had to literally fight to prove my family care plan was solid and I could go without issue. Not once did I really feel any support from my leadership and my ability to deploy was constantly challenged. It was so frustrating to know that I needed to go, not wanting to leave my son but refusing to be derelict in my duty. The problem was going to Iraq meant leaving my little boy behind again. In spite of wide public support for our Soldiers, there are still those who like to voice their opinions that reflect that guilty feeling in the back of our hearts when we leave. It's worse when it comes from those who are supposed to be your main support, your family. I didn't go back into the Army just to feel cool or prove a point, nor was it a side effect of PTSD. My little boy needed a roof, food, education, and healthcare and I wanted to do something I felt was worthwhile and would set a good example for him.
Leaving again was difficult; I already missed so much during my first deployment because he was 2 when I left and three when I returned. While I was at Ft. Dix training to go back to Iraq he turned 7 and it hurt to be so far away. I was so depressed and many of our Soldiers thought I was just mean, not realizing I had so much on my mind, including my son, while ensuring they were cared for. I tried to distract myself, but every time I tried, I failed. While I was gone my son struggled for many reasons. At this time I don't feel there are enough resources for our children. Last winter was my fifth Christmas home since my last deployment and we are just now finding the resources we need to care for our son's welfare in a way that will benefit him. I will say it over and over again, deployments are rough on us, and they are just as rough on our children.
When a parent deploys it disrupts the lives of their children in a profound way. These children are found to be more likely to have social issues, depression and other symptoms of a disrupted childhood than other children. It has to be so hard on them to realize mom and/or dad are away in a place where they may not come back. We will try to leave them in the care of people we trust. What happens when those we trusted have mistreated our children? What kind of person would take your money for support and allow your child to be abused in any form? I don't know, but it happens and the parents may not find out for years. Now that I am married again things will be better if I deploy, not that I want to, but what about my son's mental health? Soldiers are not the only ones with issues, our children, our loyal and loving spouses, they all pay the price.
Why am I talking about this? First because my son struggles with social situations, he trusts no-one and is easily depressed. The other reason is I have to deal with the guilt of leaving him and hope that by sharing my situation it will help someone else who may struggle. I don't regret serving my country, but I don't like all of the side effects. The willingness to sacrifice has been lost on those who criticize, but they are entitled to their opinion. It is up to people who get it to make the best of it. It's a lot more difficult to cut into a scar, even emotional one, the trick is letting it heal enough to scar over.
Resources:
(1) http://www.goarmy.com/reserve/prior-service/active-guard-reserve.html
(2) http://www.thenewstribune.com/2012/06/24/v-lite/2192433/deployment-can-affect-childrens.html
http://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/monographs/2011/RAND_MG1095.pdf
http://www.usafp.org/Word_PDF_Files/Research-Abstracts/2012-Annual-Meeting/Blinded-Papers-to-Score/Clinical-Investigation_CI-79.pdf
After I came home from Iraq in 2004 I had to figure out how to support my son on my own. I knew then that I couldn't rely on his father to provide enough and children are expensive, as any parent can attest. It was clear my family was not pleased with most of my decisions. I agree, some of them were dumb, but I am bright enough to know when I need to accept that I was wrong and push forward. With all that said, I needed a job and the Army came to mind once again.
By Early 2005 I had orders to go into the Active Guard and Reserves program. This was a HUGE blessing. At the time I was only a Specialist, which is an enlisted pay grade of E-4. Not a ton of money, but more than enough to pay my bills and support my son.
It turns out not having a partner proved to be a problem. When I came to my first assignment my Commander was terribly concerned about my ability to be a Soldier because I had a child. On normal days my son was in daycare or kindergarten. When I went on longer trips I found temporary long-term care. If I deployed my son would go back to Oregon. I even had a family care plan to say where my son would go if (when) I deploy again, complete with all the trimmings. My first counseling session was an hour long and included phrases as, "If you want out, I can get you out right now" and "Just think of me as a husband without the benefits." It is important to note I was not the only single parent. My friend also had his daughter with him and the Commander offered to have his wife help out. As for me, I was left to my own devices. At the time I thought nothing of it, now I realize how unfair that was. To say that finally my standing up for myself came at a price is to put it mildly.
That all happened in 2005, and when my unit was deploying in 2007 I had to literally fight to prove my family care plan was solid and I could go without issue. Not once did I really feel any support from my leadership and my ability to deploy was constantly challenged. It was so frustrating to know that I needed to go, not wanting to leave my son but refusing to be derelict in my duty. The problem was going to Iraq meant leaving my little boy behind again. In spite of wide public support for our Soldiers, there are still those who like to voice their opinions that reflect that guilty feeling in the back of our hearts when we leave. It's worse when it comes from those who are supposed to be your main support, your family. I didn't go back into the Army just to feel cool or prove a point, nor was it a side effect of PTSD. My little boy needed a roof, food, education, and healthcare and I wanted to do something I felt was worthwhile and would set a good example for him.
Leaving again was difficult; I already missed so much during my first deployment because he was 2 when I left and three when I returned. While I was at Ft. Dix training to go back to Iraq he turned 7 and it hurt to be so far away. I was so depressed and many of our Soldiers thought I was just mean, not realizing I had so much on my mind, including my son, while ensuring they were cared for. I tried to distract myself, but every time I tried, I failed. While I was gone my son struggled for many reasons. At this time I don't feel there are enough resources for our children. Last winter was my fifth Christmas home since my last deployment and we are just now finding the resources we need to care for our son's welfare in a way that will benefit him. I will say it over and over again, deployments are rough on us, and they are just as rough on our children.
When a parent deploys it disrupts the lives of their children in a profound way. These children are found to be more likely to have social issues, depression and other symptoms of a disrupted childhood than other children. It has to be so hard on them to realize mom and/or dad are away in a place where they may not come back. We will try to leave them in the care of people we trust. What happens when those we trusted have mistreated our children? What kind of person would take your money for support and allow your child to be abused in any form? I don't know, but it happens and the parents may not find out for years. Now that I am married again things will be better if I deploy, not that I want to, but what about my son's mental health? Soldiers are not the only ones with issues, our children, our loyal and loving spouses, they all pay the price.
Why am I talking about this? First because my son struggles with social situations, he trusts no-one and is easily depressed. The other reason is I have to deal with the guilt of leaving him and hope that by sharing my situation it will help someone else who may struggle. I don't regret serving my country, but I don't like all of the side effects. The willingness to sacrifice has been lost on those who criticize, but they are entitled to their opinion. It is up to people who get it to make the best of it. It's a lot more difficult to cut into a scar, even emotional one, the trick is letting it heal enough to scar over.
Resources:
(1) http://www.goarmy.com/reserve/prior-service/active-guard-reserve.html
(2) http://www.thenewstribune.com/2012/06/24/v-lite/2192433/deployment-can-affect-childrens.html
http://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/monographs/2011/RAND_MG1095.pdf
http://www.usafp.org/Word_PDF_Files/Research-Abstracts/2012-Annual-Meeting/Blinded-Papers-to-Score/Clinical-Investigation_CI-79.pdf
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
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