I know I keep saying this but it is important...These experiences and
opinions are my own. Please don't assume it is always like this. I will not
give names as it serves no purpose, and I will try to be as accurate as
possible. The opinions and viewpoints are not those of the United States Army
or anyone but me. You may want to read some of my earlier writing for this to
make more sense. I tell my story because it isn't as uncommon as one would
think and I hope it may help someone else who struggles with his/her decision
to go into the military full time.
After I came home from Iraq in 2004 I had to figure out how to support my
son on my own. I knew then that I couldn't rely on his father to provide enough
and children are expensive, as any parent can attest. It was clear my family
was not pleased with most of my decisions. I agree, some of them were dumb, but
I am bright enough to know when I need to accept that I was wrong and push
forward. With all that said, I needed a job and the Army came to mind once
again.
By Early 2005 I had orders to go into the Active Guard and Reserves program.
This was a HUGE blessing. At the time I was only a Specialist, which is an
enlisted pay grade of E-4. Not a ton of money, but more than enough to pay my
bills and support my son.
It turns out not having a partner proved to be a problem. When I came to my
first assignment my Commander was terribly concerned about my ability to be a
Soldier because I had a child. On normal days my son was in daycare or kindergarten. When I went on longer trips I found temporary long-term care. If
I deployed my son would go back to Oregon. I even had a family care plan to say
where my son would go if (when) I deploy again, complete with all the
trimmings. My first counseling session was an hour long and included phrases
as, "If you want out, I can get you out right now" and "Just
think of me as a husband without the benefits." It is important to note I
was not the only single parent. My friend also had his daughter with him and
the Commander offered to have his wife help out. As for me, I was left to my own devices. At
the time I thought nothing of it, now I realize how unfair that was. To say
that finally my standing up for myself came at a price is to put it mildly.
That all happened in 2005, and when my unit was deploying in 2007 I had to
literally fight to prove my family care plan was solid and I could go without
issue. Not once did I really feel any support from my leadership and my ability
to deploy was constantly challenged. It was so frustrating to know that I
needed to go, not wanting to leave my son but refusing to be derelict in my
duty. The problem was going to Iraq meant leaving my little boy behind again.
In spite of wide public support for our Soldiers, there are still those who
like to voice their opinions that reflect that guilty feeling in the back of
our hearts when we leave. It's worse when it comes from those who are supposed
to be your main support, your family. I didn't go back into the Army just to
feel cool or prove a point, nor was it a side effect of PTSD. My little boy
needed a roof, food, education, and healthcare and I wanted to do something I
felt was worthwhile and would set a good example for him.
Leaving again was difficult; I already missed so much during my first
deployment because he was 2 when I left and three when I returned. While I was
at Ft. Dix training to go back to Iraq he turned 7 and it hurt to be so far
away. I was so depressed and many of our Soldiers thought I was just mean, not
realizing I had so much on my mind, including my son, while ensuring they were
cared for. I tried to distract myself, but every time I tried, I failed. While
I was gone my son struggled for many reasons. At this time I don't feel there
are enough resources for our children. Last winter was my fifth Christmas home
since my last deployment and we
are just now finding the resources we need to care for our son's welfare in a
way that will benefit him. I will say it over and over again, deployments are
rough on us, and they are just as rough on our children.
When a parent deploys it disrupts the lives of their children in a profound
way. These children are found to be more
likely to have social issues, depression and other symptoms of a disrupted
childhood than other children. It has to be so hard on them to realize mom
and/or dad are away in a place where they may not come back. We will try to
leave them in the care of people we trust. What happens when those we trusted
have mistreated our children? What kind of person would take your money for
support and allow your child to be abused in any form? I don't know, but it
happens and the parents may not find out for years. Now that I am married again
things will be better if I deploy, not that I want to, but what about my son's
mental health? Soldiers are not the only ones with issues, our children, our
loyal and loving spouses, they all pay the price.
Why am I talking about this? First because my son struggles with social
situations, he trusts no-one and is easily depressed. The other reason is I
have to deal with the guilt of leaving him and hope that by sharing my
situation it will help someone else who may struggle. I don't regret serving my
country, but I don't like all of the side effects. The willingness to sacrifice
has been lost on those who criticize, but they are entitled to their opinion.
It is up to people who get it to make the best of it. It's a lot more difficult
to cut into a scar, even emotional one, the trick is letting it heal enough to scar over.
Resources:
(1) http://www.goarmy.com/reserve/prior-service/active-guard-reserve.html
(2)
http://www.thenewstribune.com/2012/06/24/v-lite/2192433/deployment-can-affect-childrens.html
http://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/monographs/2011/RAND_MG1095.pdf
http://www.usafp.org/Word_PDF_Files/Research-Abstracts/2012-Annual-Meeting/Blinded-Papers-to-Score/Clinical-Investigation_CI-79.pdf
No comments:
Post a Comment