Full Time Soldier Mom

I know I keep saying this but it is important...These experiences and opinions are my own. Please don't assume it is always like this. I will not give names as it serves no purpose, and I will try to be as accurate as possible. The opinions and viewpoints are not those of the United States Army or anyone but me. You may want to read some of my earlier writing for this to make more sense. I tell my story because it isn't as uncommon as one would think and I hope it may help someone else who struggles with his/her decision to go into the military full time.

After I came home from Iraq in 2004 I had to figure out how to support my son on my own. I knew then that I couldn't rely on his father to provide enough and children are expensive, as any parent can attest. It was clear my family was not pleased with most of my decisions. I agree, some of them were dumb, but I am bright enough to know when I need to accept that I was wrong and push forward. With all that said, I needed a job and the Army came to mind once again. 

By Early 2005 I had orders to go into the Active Guard and Reserves program. This was a HUGE blessing. At the time I was only a Specialist, which is an enlisted pay grade of E-4. Not a ton of money, but more than enough to pay my bills and support my son. 

It turns out not having a partner proved to be a problem. When I came to my first assignment my Commander was terribly concerned about my ability to be a Soldier because I had a child.  On normal days my son was in daycare or kindergarten.  When I went on longer trips I found temporary long-term care.  If I deployed my son would go back to Oregon. I even had a family care plan to say where my son would go if (when) I deploy again, complete with all the trimmings. My first counseling session was an hour long and included phrases as, "If you want out, I can get you out right now" and "Just think of me as a husband without the benefits." It is important to note I was not the only single parent. My friend also had his daughter with him and the Commander offered to have his wife help out.  As for me, I was left to my own devices. At the time I thought nothing of it, now I realize how unfair that was. To say that finally my standing up for myself came at a price is to put it mildly. 

That all happened in 2005, and when my unit was deploying in 2007 I had to literally fight to prove my family care plan was solid and I could go without issue. Not once did I really feel any support from my leadership and my ability to deploy was constantly challenged. It was so frustrating to know that I needed to go, not wanting to leave my son but refusing to be derelict in my duty. The problem was going to Iraq meant leaving my little boy behind again. In spite of wide public support for our Soldiers, there are still those who like to voice their opinions that reflect that guilty feeling in the back of our hearts when we leave. It's worse when it comes from those who are supposed to be your main support, your family. I didn't go back into the Army just to feel cool or prove a point, nor was it a side effect of PTSD. My little boy needed a roof, food, education, and healthcare and I wanted to do something I felt was worthwhile and would set a good example for him. 

Leaving again was difficult; I already missed so much during my first deployment because he was 2 when I left and three when I returned. While I was at Ft. Dix training to go back to Iraq he turned 7 and it hurt to be so far away. I was so depressed and many of our Soldiers thought I was just mean, not realizing I had so much on my mind, including my son, while ensuring they were cared for. I tried to distract myself, but every time I tried, I failed. While I was gone my son struggled for many reasons. At this time I don't feel there are enough resources for our children. Last winter was my fifth Christmas home since my last deployment and we are just now finding the resources we need to care for our son's welfare in a way that will benefit him. I will say it over and over again, deployments are rough on us, and they are just as rough on our children.

When a parent deploys it disrupts the lives of their children in a profound way.  These children are found to be more likely to have social issues, depression and other symptoms of a disrupted childhood than other children. It has to be so hard on them to realize mom and/or dad are away in a place where they may not come back. We will try to leave them in the care of people we trust. What happens when those we trusted have mistreated our children? What kind of person would take your money for support and allow your child to be abused in any form? I don't know, but it happens and the parents may not find out for years. Now that I am married again things will be better if I deploy, not that I want to, but what about my son's mental health? Soldiers are not the only ones with issues, our children, our loyal and loving spouses, they all pay the price. 

Why am I talking about this? First because my son struggles with social situations, he trusts no-one and is easily depressed. The other reason is I have to deal with the guilt of leaving him and hope that by sharing my situation it will help someone else who may struggle. I don't regret serving my country, but I don't like all of the side effects. The willingness to sacrifice has been lost on those who criticize, but they are entitled to their opinion. It is up to people who get it to make the best of it. It's a lot more difficult to cut into a scar, even emotional one, the trick is letting it heal enough to scar over.


Resources:
(1) http://www.goarmy.com/reserve/prior-service/active-guard-reserve.html
(2) http://www.thenewstribune.com/2012/06/24/v-lite/2192433/deployment-can-affect-childrens.html
http://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/monographs/2011/RAND_MG1095.pdf
http://www.usafp.org/Word_PDF_Files/Research-Abstracts/2012-Annual-Meeting/Blinded-Papers-to-Score/Clinical-Investigation_CI-79.pdf

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